Perception is Reality – Whether We Like It Or Not Blog #9
Jun 21, 2023 by Amy Elizabeth Matuza
“The reality of life is that your perceptions – right or wrong – influence everything else you do. When you get a proper perspective of your perceptions, you may be surprised how many other things fall into place.” – Roger Birkman
It is summertime, and for many parents of college aged kids it means that the house is more full than usual. For our family, we have gone from having our youngest child, Aria, being the sole Gen Z member in the house, to now having both her older brother, Zack, and her older sister, Zoe, joining her. In addition to the increase in laundry, grocery bills, electricity, noise and general chaos, there is also an increase in fun and activity around the house.
I would be lying if I said that I was not just a little hesitant about having everyone back at home. It has been 4 years since Zoe went off to college at Michigan and 2 years since Zack left for Northeastern. Yes, they have been home for breaks and they were all certainly here for Covid – but, our reality is that Dmitry and I have gotten used to having it be just the three of us for the most part, and we have adapted to certain ways of doing things on a daily basis. All of a sudden, with two more young adults in the house, the paradigm shifts.
OF COURSE, I love having everyone home and am grateful that my kids actually want to live with us. It has been almost two months since the older kids moved back in and overall, things have been great. For my part, I have consciously made a special effort to try to be more relaxed about my routines and less “naggy”. One way I decided to do this was to make lighthearted jokes about the house rules when “reminding” people to do things.
For example, I would say, “Hey, Zack – rule number 45, turn the light off in the bathroom when you come out” or “Zoe – rule number 723, put the dishes in the dishwasher” or “Everyone – rule number 22, swap the clothes to the dryer if you are in the laundry room”. (I randomly made up numbers.) My reality was that I was being the “cool” mom of adult kids-gently reminding them of their responsibilities while also being laid back and fun.
The kids’ perception was a little different. Over Memorial Day weekend, while driving in our rental car to attend my family’s reunion in Massanutten, VA, the three kids sat in the back seat with Zoe’s computer. They would pass the computer back and forth, type madly and then burst out laughing. I asked them what they were doing and they told me that they were compiling a list of “House Rules” that they would present to Dmitry and I when we arrived at the resort. Oh boy.
When we finished unpacking, the kids showed me their masterpiece. It was a two page document with “House Rules” at the top and a stencil picture of me in black and white profile looking off into the distance with the word DISCIPLINE beneath me. (Imagine the profile pictures of Vladimir Lenin that used to be everywhere in Russia.) It was absolutely hilarious. The fact that they came up with two pages of so-called “rules” was impressive. Dmitry and I looked through the list and could not stop laughing. The rules were a mix of things that I say and then funny additions that the kids came up with on their own. The plan was to hang it on the cabinets in the kitchen.
Examples included, “Don’t treat the second floor like a nude beach”, “When asked to go on a walk with mom, understand it is not a question”, “Always ask how you can help (check in every few minutes), “Close the door when you pee”, and “Do not put shoes NEXT to shelves, put them on one of the 500 shelves mom bought for us (we are grateful)”. At the bottom of the rules list is a series of Windex labels (I am known to be a maniacal Windexer) as a bottom border and a statement in bold that reads, “This is a strict regime, failure to follow rules may result in extreme exile and shunning from the household.” Truly, the list is uproarious – and yet, very, very true.
As the day went on, I thought more and more about the list. Wow – I really did have a lot of “rules” for living in the house. Maybe I was “naggy” after all and not as “laid back and fun” as I thought. I mean, there were two pages of rules to prove that AND the kids said they still had more to add. I started thinking about whether or not I needed to enforce some of these rules – or if maybe I could just let some things go. In general, I started to feel badly that my perception of how things were going was not necessarily reality for my kids.
What I chose to do about this dichotomy is what would give it meaning. So, I told the kids that I felt badly about coming off as a Lenin-esque dictator in the house. I told them that it was hard for me when the house was messy because it makes me anxious. I also told them that parenting adult children living under my roof was new to me and that I would probably need some pointers from them about the best way to co-exist. Lastly, I told them that it was going to be very difficult to change my anal retentive personality – but that my aim was not to have it affect our relationship in any way. So, I would try to be a little more “flexible”.
The kids told me that they loved me and made the list because it was meant to be a funny joke for all of us. They would never have made it if they thought that it would hurt my feelings in any way. They thought that the way I was numbering rules when I was telling them to do things was funny and so they picked up on it and compiled a list. Yup – I knew all of this. But, I was still living in a new reality from the one that I had been and so it would take time to process.
Well, it has been three weeks since the creation of “House Rules”. In the meantime, I have put a few toilet seats down on my own, emptied some lint screens, and put some dirty dishes in the dishwasher that were not mine. (It takes some work on my part to not comment on the infractions...) I am a bit more cognizant of how I am perceived these days and I try to think a bit before “reminding” the kids to do something.
In the end, the “House Rules” exercise was an unexpected gift to me. How often do you really get to understand how you are perceived? By your family, co-workers, or friends? People rarely tell you what they think unless you ask. (Or are the subject of a House Rules list) So, now that I know, I will proceed differently with my family going forward. But, I will still make them replace the empty toilet paper rolls...oh, and recycle.
It is summertime, and for many parents of college aged kids it means that the house is more full than usual. For our family, we have gone from having our youngest child, Aria, being the sole Gen Z member in the house, to now having both her older brother, Zack, and her older sister, Zoe, joining her. In addition to the increase in laundry, grocery bills, electricity, noise and general chaos, there is also an increase in fun and activity around the house.
I would be lying if I said that I was not just a little hesitant about having everyone back at home. It has been 4 years since Zoe went off to college at Michigan and 2 years since Zack left for Northeastern. Yes, they have been home for breaks and they were all certainly here for Covid – but, our reality is that Dmitry and I have gotten used to having it be just the three of us for the most part, and we have adapted to certain ways of doing things on a daily basis. All of a sudden, with two more young adults in the house, the paradigm shifts.
OF COURSE, I love having everyone home and am grateful that my kids actually want to live with us. It has been almost two months since the older kids moved back in and overall, things have been great. For my part, I have consciously made a special effort to try to be more relaxed about my routines and less “naggy”. One way I decided to do this was to make lighthearted jokes about the house rules when “reminding” people to do things.
For example, I would say, “Hey, Zack – rule number 45, turn the light off in the bathroom when you come out” or “Zoe – rule number 723, put the dishes in the dishwasher” or “Everyone – rule number 22, swap the clothes to the dryer if you are in the laundry room”. (I randomly made up numbers.) My reality was that I was being the “cool” mom of adult kids-gently reminding them of their responsibilities while also being laid back and fun.
The kids’ perception was a little different. Over Memorial Day weekend, while driving in our rental car to attend my family’s reunion in Massanutten, VA, the three kids sat in the back seat with Zoe’s computer. They would pass the computer back and forth, type madly and then burst out laughing. I asked them what they were doing and they told me that they were compiling a list of “House Rules” that they would present to Dmitry and I when we arrived at the resort. Oh boy.
When we finished unpacking, the kids showed me their masterpiece. It was a two page document with “House Rules” at the top and a stencil picture of me in black and white profile looking off into the distance with the word DISCIPLINE beneath me. (Imagine the profile pictures of Vladimir Lenin that used to be everywhere in Russia.) It was absolutely hilarious. The fact that they came up with two pages of so-called “rules” was impressive. Dmitry and I looked through the list and could not stop laughing. The rules were a mix of things that I say and then funny additions that the kids came up with on their own. The plan was to hang it on the cabinets in the kitchen.
Examples included, “Don’t treat the second floor like a nude beach”, “When asked to go on a walk with mom, understand it is not a question”, “Always ask how you can help (check in every few minutes), “Close the door when you pee”, and “Do not put shoes NEXT to shelves, put them on one of the 500 shelves mom bought for us (we are grateful)”. At the bottom of the rules list is a series of Windex labels (I am known to be a maniacal Windexer) as a bottom border and a statement in bold that reads, “This is a strict regime, failure to follow rules may result in extreme exile and shunning from the household.” Truly, the list is uproarious – and yet, very, very true.
As the day went on, I thought more and more about the list. Wow – I really did have a lot of “rules” for living in the house. Maybe I was “naggy” after all and not as “laid back and fun” as I thought. I mean, there were two pages of rules to prove that AND the kids said they still had more to add. I started thinking about whether or not I needed to enforce some of these rules – or if maybe I could just let some things go. In general, I started to feel badly that my perception of how things were going was not necessarily reality for my kids.
What I chose to do about this dichotomy is what would give it meaning. So, I told the kids that I felt badly about coming off as a Lenin-esque dictator in the house. I told them that it was hard for me when the house was messy because it makes me anxious. I also told them that parenting adult children living under my roof was new to me and that I would probably need some pointers from them about the best way to co-exist. Lastly, I told them that it was going to be very difficult to change my anal retentive personality – but that my aim was not to have it affect our relationship in any way. So, I would try to be a little more “flexible”.
The kids told me that they loved me and made the list because it was meant to be a funny joke for all of us. They would never have made it if they thought that it would hurt my feelings in any way. They thought that the way I was numbering rules when I was telling them to do things was funny and so they picked up on it and compiled a list. Yup – I knew all of this. But, I was still living in a new reality from the one that I had been and so it would take time to process.
Well, it has been three weeks since the creation of “House Rules”. In the meantime, I have put a few toilet seats down on my own, emptied some lint screens, and put some dirty dishes in the dishwasher that were not mine. (It takes some work on my part to not comment on the infractions...) I am a bit more cognizant of how I am perceived these days and I try to think a bit before “reminding” the kids to do something.
In the end, the “House Rules” exercise was an unexpected gift to me. How often do you really get to understand how you are perceived? By your family, co-workers, or friends? People rarely tell you what they think unless you ask. (Or are the subject of a House Rules list) So, now that I know, I will proceed differently with my family going forward. But, I will still make them replace the empty toilet paper rolls...oh, and recycle.
