“Be yourself, everyone else is taken.”  – Oscar Wilde

Recently, I have found myself in the company of lots of new people that I do not know and whom I am expected to start up conversations. In a post-Covid world, this can be a little anxiety-inducing after being locked in our homes for almost two years and getting a little rusty in the interpersonal communications department. Even for me, who friends and family say can talk to an inanimate object, it is something that I have to dust off and practice.

For instance, last month I decided to sign up for an adult tap dancing class because that has been on my so-called “bucket list” after watching both of my girls tap over the last seventeen years at their dance recitals. When I arrived the first evening of class, I came to find out that out of the class of fifteen people, I knew only one person. Otherwise, the rest of the group were complete strangers.

Before class, those of us who were new started introducing ourselves and discussing our tap experience. Several people wanted to know why we had chosen to start tapping as an adult. Was it for exercise? A challenge? A dusting off of the tap shoes for some who used to dance as a child? It was great fun to hear everyone’s reasons for showing up at the studio at 7:15pm on a Monday evening to tap with a bunch of middle aged women.

At our first water break, the inevitable question that we each ask just about anyone that we have never met before was posed to me.  “So, Amy, what do you do?” What to say, what to say...but more on that later.

Fast forward to this week when I was downtown Boston one evening with my husband, Dmitry, at a black tie social event for his work. Basically, I spent my time following him around and meeting surgeons from all over the country that he has known for many years. (Don’t get me wrong – it was great fun to dress up and be “kid-less” for a night in the city together.) However, 99% of the people that we talked to were complete strangers to me. I listened to these conversations and participated where I could, practicing my somewhat rusty social party skills. How many times do you think I was asked the question, “So, Amy, what do you do?” And it got me thinking...

I think that most people assume that when they are being asked “What do you do?” that the asker means for a career. Like, how do you spend your time every day? Back when I was working in consulting, this question was so easy to answer for me. “I am a consultant.” This rolled off my tongue without any effort. Perhaps the asker then went on to ask follow up questions about my job or that was the end of the inquiry. Either way, I was very comfortable answering it because I spent about sixty-plus hours a week working, for the most part, for a large part of my adult life.

But what happens when you don’t have a traditional full-time job? It is easy to say “I am a stay at home mom” or “I am a teacher” or “I am a lawyer” or “I am a volunteer at X” if this is the way that you spend the majority of your time and it is how you identify yourself when asked this question. However, it becomes more difficult if you don’t fit neatly into that full-time anything box and you are a bit of a hybrid hodge-podge mix of things. How do I spend my time?

Currently, I would say that I have three “careers” for lack of a better descriptor. I spend about 1/3rd of my time on writing/marketing my book/blogging – being an author. I spend another 1/3rd of my time as a musician/piano accompanist working as a contractor with my local public schools and various organizations. Finally, I spend about 1/3rd  of my time as a mom-driving my fifteen year old around to all of her activities, helping with school needs, cooking meals, editing medical school essays for my eldest, helping my son to assemble his resume, fill in the blank daily...

I guess that answering this question has caused me to rethink my identity. It is a little unnerving because I feel like I don’t fit neatly into a box and I sometimes feel insecure about that. I think that sometimes when people ask that question, they expect a simple answer. But, for some people it is not a simple answer. For some people the response is more complex. And that is ok. Am I happy doing what I am doing currently? That is the question I should be asking myself. If so, then it really should not matter what my response elicits from the asker. It should not matter if it is not traditional, or expected, or easy, or neat. It matters if I am happy – period.

I have realized that for a long time during my adult life, my main identity was my career. This is the case for many people that I know. I made the decision to leave that career in order to first and foremost spend more quality time with my family and to pursue other passions that I did not have time for while working a full-time job. Truth be told, I suppose that I still struggle with being fully “ok” with that decision. I would not change it, but I do miss my old career sometimes. It is difficult to leave something that you really enjoy doing, that you are really good at and that was pretty lucrative. But, life is about choices and I made the correct one for me. Answering the question, “What do you do?” recently has helped me to reaffirm my reasons for the choices that I have made.

Anyone who knows me knows that I really like Brene Brown. I am currently reading “The Gifts of Imperfection” and she talks about this question with a brilliant response. She says that anytime that anyone asks her what she does, she responds with “how much time do you have?” This resonates with me a lot. Some days I may have spent hours writing a blog and a newsletter. Some days I may have learned six new choir pieces that I am going to perform with a middle school choir. Some days I may have spent hours at a soccer tournament. Some days I may have had a book signing or marketing event. Depending upon the day, my answer may be completely different. And if you have the time, I am happy to share some of the things that I am doing that day!

And that is me. And you are you. And that is ok. Live into you. And that is what makes the world go round. There is only one you like the quote says. Everyone else is taken.